An idea as to how to go about searching for a wife.

Dear Josh,

Your attitude towards marriage is quite impressive. It exhibits an unusually mature world outlook.

I will answer the questions you asked me,but, for the sake of clarity, I will answer them in an order different from the order in which you posed them.

You asked:Do I wait? Do I intentionally look?

Josh, you definitely should not wait.Therefore, you must intentionally look.

You asked: How do you do it in the life that I live? Where? How?

It can be done, but you have to think out of the box.I'll explain.

I will tell you briefly the process I used to find a wife.And when we, by examining the process, figure out why it works so well, we shall see that though you cannot mimic it perfectly, you can, however, create for yourself a process that will likely produce similar results.

So here goes.

Basically, someone who knew me also knew someone who knew my wife.Now that someone,the one that knew me, knew that I was looking to marry.And the other someone,the one that knew my wife, knew that she was looking to marry too.So those two someones arranged for us to meet.

So we met for the first time in a hotel lobby.Because I knew beforehand the name of the book she would be holding, I recognized her right away .Following the advise of someone wiser than myself,I ensured that the first date was strictly small talk.(The first date,I'm told, is only to see if there is chemistry between the couple.There was.) On the second date we talked heavy stuff.Ditto the third.At the beginning of the fourth I proposed.She accepted.We met 10 or so more times before she returned to Switzerland.And after she got there,we spoke for a half hour a week for the duration of time that remained to the wedding.(about three months or so.)

That's it.

Now, there are a three main reasons why the process works:

1. Both of us orthodox Jews, we know , before we ever meet, that we more or less share the same values.

2. We both appreciate the gravity of what we are doing at the meetings.Each one of us is trying to determine whether or not the other is a suitable spouse.We are not trying to see whether we find each other cute, fun or exciting.Each one is trying to see whether or not the other is the person with whom he or she will be able to spend the REST of his or her life.

3. No monkey business. We are not doing this to waste time.This is a yes or no thing.Now, no one has to decide immediately. But the minute one of us knows that the other just ain't the one-thats it.Time to move on.

Now if both people know what to look for in a spouse-what is critical and what is incidental- and they both lead a life and have values that are conducive to family life, they,with dedication, will build a strong family.

In a nutshell the benefits provided by the system are these.
Before meeting, each one knows that the other is looking for a spouse and shares his or her core values.

When they meet, they understand that the meeting is solely to determine whether or not they make a suitable match for marriage. And they conduct their meetings accordingly.

If they discover that their relationship is fruitless, they quickly and maturely end it,well before their hearts get involved.

Now I understand that this just ain't going to happen this way with you,But I bet that you, by thinking out of the box and exercising a bit of self restraint, can secure for yourself all the aforementioned advantages in your search for a wife.

How?

Well,it seems that you are looking for a girl who wants to be a wife and a mother(not just have a husband and children) and who is looking for a family man.

Where do you find such a girl?The truth is that if you just go fishing, you will likely never find a girl who is mature enough to know that what she wants NOW is a family.Rather, you will have to date and date and date, and fall in love and fall out of love until finally your heart becomes tied to some girl who might or might not be a good wife for you and a good mother for your children.

I believe that there are girls who fit the bill, but they are not fishing,as you also ought not to be.


Here is what I would do if I were you.

I would join a number of on-line Jewish dating networks. Some of them cater exclusively to people who wish to marry;the others allow you to specify marriage as your interest in your online profile .This is how they work by and large.Basically, each member creates a profile featuring his or her biographical info,interests, picture and other such info.Then, the members scan through member profiles of the opposite sex.When a member comes across a profile that arouses his or her interest, he or she "invites" the person of interest to engage in communication.If the invitee, after checking out the profile of the inviter, is interested, he or she will accept the invitation, and the two will begin communicating electronically through whatever channel the dating service has set up for this purpose.If after communicating,the two still find each other interesting, they will agree to meet one another.And the rest you can fill in for yourself.


Now, if you use this system wisely, you can secure for yourself all the advantages that my, more traditional, system provides.

By judiciously sifting through the profiles, you can limit your choices to girls who are looking, now, to build a family.You can also tell a lot about a girl from the image of herself she puts out to potential suitors:by the type of picture she displays, by the type of interests she publicizes, etc.

If you probe wisely, and you resist the impulse to meet the girl before you have communicated enough with her to know what you need to know about her, you will be able to ensure that you only meet girls who share your core values.

The emotional distance that this system, when used properly, provides affords you the clarity of mind to know relatively early on when an encounter is fruitless.And you will be able to act accordingly.

Since,you will be clear about your dating goals, and you will demand the same clarity from your carefully selected eligibles, you and she will be able to dispense with all the time wasting, bulls**t all to common to the "standard" dating experience.

You live in California, so there will likely be many eligibles more or less local to you.Plus,with your career and picture,you will profile well.(Any girl seriously looking for a husband who professes to care not about how you make a living is either a liar or a fool.Beware)

After I receive your response,I will Email you links to some of these services.(They are easy to find with google,though.)I also have more ideas and more to say,generally, on this subject, but I await your response.

Love, Naftali.

An argument for managing the search for a wife.

Dear Josh,

I want to be clear as to what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this composition,and what I am not trying to accomplish.

I am trying to convince you that my position on this issue, and the advice I offer you on the basis of the position are correct logically.

I am not trying to persuade you to follow the advice:
that's a conclusion you must come to on your own.

Therefore, the style of the writing will be terse and precise.I will not use rhetoric that speaks to your emotions.

Now, there are several positions a person can take regarding the desirability of getting married at any given point in his life:

1. I'm not ready even if I find "the right person"

2. I'm ready, if I find "the right person"

3. I'm ready, so let me set about finding the right person.


My argument, in a nutshell, is that any person who takes position #2 should immediately take on, instead, position #3.

The reason why is simple. A person is more likely to do something right when he does so thoughtfully.

Accordingly, if you, looking for a spouse, would first figure out which qualities would be present in a good wife, and which ones in a bad one, and then set out looking for a woman that meets your criteria to fall in love with , you would be far more likely to fall in love and marry a good wife than you would be, if you just hit the dating scene without purpose, forethought and planning.


You see, when one dates without purpose he looks for different things than he looks for when dating to marry.

For example, when looking to marry, a sensible man will pay little(serious) attention to a high heeled bikini clad woman in a starbuks or the cute drunk chick at the company party.While, a man who is only dating might pay these woman significant attention.Or, a less crass but more dangerous situation , a man "just dating" may be looking for more than a fleeting,meaningless type relationship; he may be looking for companionship-a girlfriend.Now what makes a fun girl friend does not necessarily make a good wife, and, conversely, what makes a good wife does not necessarily make a fun girlfriend.A fun girlfriend need not want children.A good wife must.A fun girl friend can think maintaining a house is beneath her.A good wife must not.A fun girlfriend, can love clubbing with her girlfriends.A good wife must not(trust me).A militant feminist could probably make a fun girl friend.She would make a horrible wife.A pot-head dead head could make a fun girl friend.She would make a miserable wife.

Now here is the problem.Often a person falls in love with his girlfriend, and sometimes he even marries her.It is unlikely-if not utterly impossible- that a person will be as demanding of quality in a woman after falling in love with her than he would have been before he fell in love with her. And when you consider that this girl, with whom he has now fallen in love and decided to marry , likely would not have even come up on his radar screen as a potential wife, had he been looking for one to begin with,you will see that this marriage may well be a disaster waiting to happen.

Therefore, I conclude that someone who is ready to marry if he finds "the right person" should set out purposefully to make it happen. And he must not just let it happen, if it happens, in any which way it happens. Because when you don't make things happen right,they often happen wrong.And this is especially true regarding matters of the heart.

I have much more write on this subject,and I will do so after I read your initial response.You can respond by posting a comment, or you can do so by sending me an email.

Love,Naftali.